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A David Haines
Production for HainesUK
In association
with The Mini Fund
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Now listen up, kiddies. It's time to learn about a great
man. His name, was Edward Coughlan.
Now, Ed's a special kind of guy. His brain doesn't
rationalise. It doesn't care for consequences, stupidity or danger. It only
considers the potential for humour. We should all be thinking like Ed. Apart
from the things he does through pure stupidity.
 |  Logic
works in strange ways. Some of you may be aware of 'amoeba balls',
stress balls filled with water, which, when thrown against a surface, stick
momentarily and then fall off. Fascinated with this, idiot Nick encouraged
out hero to throw his ball against the roof at Bluewater. It was there for
several hours until Ed's mum asked a woman with a crutch if we could borrow
it so as to retrieve it. Oh dear. |
| How
Bizarre. The fact that Ed is right handed and right footed has not
deterred him from breaking every finger on his left hand in a different
sport, including opening doors, and sprained his left ankle repeatedly. He
has failed to break anything on his right side. |
| Mrs.
Mackin. I myself am very slightly to blame for this one. Having
spotted a woman that I thought MAY have been our old physics teacher
driving, Ed ran up to the car and shouted "Hi Mrs. Mackin!" to
which the poor, bewildered, non-Mackin woman got rather confused. As she
drove on past us she said "Very funny!" (avec sarcasm) |
| Dressed to kill. Ed
emerged from the loo one lunchtime, in hysterics. When questioned, he told
us that in what we can only presume was a hurry, he had got dressed without
first removing his pyjamas. A similar incident involved swimming shorts,
although that may have been deliberate. Oh dear. |
| Dressed to
kill part 2. Ed, being the growing boy he is, needs his sleep. So as
opposed to getting up for church and getting dressed, Ed gets dressed over
his pyjamas. Worship complete, he slithers home, takes off his clothes and
goes back to bed. Cute. |
| Mrs Brooking. She was the
greatest teacher ever, simply thanks to her amazing inability to teach.
Subsequently, she was laving the country in shame. Ed asked her to marry him
and run away to France with him. Aww. |
| Mr. Noble. Ed had a
question in Physics. Who doesn't? Having caught Captain Al's attention,
Cappie said "Hello?" to address Ed. Ed replied with a jovial
"Hi!" Oh dear. |
| The Baseball Bat incident.
We had a baseball bat. A metal one, come to that. We found it amusing to
spin it in the air and catch it. However, Ed took this sport to extreme
levels. He threw the bat, spinning, about 80 feet up into the air. And nearly
caught it. Instead his thumb went purple. Oh dear. |
| Shaky-Hand-Man. Ed plays
football. Sometimes we go to watch him play football. On these occasions we
get cold and wet, so we call our good friend Deepan to bring us chicken.
Well, Ed came off the pitch with about a minute to go before the end of the
match and hastily began guzzling chicken. When it did finish, etiquette
demanded that Ed shake the other player's hands. He did so. With a chicken
dressing. Oh dear. |
| Shopping in London. Ed was
in London, and his easily amused consumer-eye was caught by a sports shop.
Sauntering up to the shop, he wanted a really close look at the punch-bags
inside. Really close. So close that he had to kick some rubbish out of his
way to get there. This, however, was no ordinary rubbish. Ed kicked a hobo
in a sleeping bag. He got scared. And he ran away. Oh dear. |
| The Table Wrestler. The
small cupboards in the Biology lab have about a foot of clearance behind
them. Right! says Ed, and promptly disappears behind them for a quick crawl.
Around a minute later, he emerges, triumphant, about three feet away from
where he started. Oh dear. |
| Fun with stationary. (Same
lesson as above!) Perhaps that glue stick would look better on the ceiling?,
says the master. Several attempts and rather sticky fingers later, we
triumphantly cheer and suppress hysterics as the glue sticks! Unfortunately,
it made rather a loud noise on impact, alerting everyone's attention. Just
when everyone turned round, however, it fell off, and hit Ed with remarkable
accuracy. Oh dear. |
| Mr. Thomas.
probably still has a piece of Satsuma in his jacket
pocket. I'll leave you to imagine how it got there. |
| How NOT to answer a door. Assuming
that the knock on the door was, as expected, his dad, Ed crawled, commando
style, to the front door. He opened it, and swiftly crawled back off. Sadly,
the poor sod left outside was one of his dad's pupils, rather worried I
imagine. Oh dear. |
| Trouble magnet. One
of Ed's major claims to fame has to be when he was sent out of a lesson that
he wasn't actually in. Ed was only delivering a message, arguable he had to
go back and double check the message, and all the people in Tyrell's class
were talking to him, but Mrs Tyrell needn't have got QUITE so upset. |
| Not a dictionary fan. Ed,
with his accomplices Jonny, Mark and James, were sent out of drama for being
late 'until they learnt some etiquette'. Unfortunately Year 8s don't know
what this word means. They stayed out for the whole lesson. Oh dear. |
| Public Indecency.
OK, it wasn't that bad, but Mark and Ed were at James' birthday supper at
Zizzi's in Sevenoaks with loads of us. They both disappeared to the loo, and
re-emerged a tad different. Guessed yet? They swapped shirts in the loo. The
best part was that they were interrupted whilst half-naked. Oh dear. |
| Workshop safety.
By Ed's principles, the best way to slow down a drill that you are in a
hurry to put away is to hold the bit against your chest.
Remarkably, his apron started to twine around it, and did so with such
force that Ed had to restart the drill in reverse to remove it. Oh dear. |
| The Air Force. Being
the computer-whiz that he is, Ed assumed that the machine would print faster
if he pressed the 'print' button repeatedly, which only sent through the
order numerous times. However, the ingenious Matty P had changed the spec of
the computer to print 10 times rather than one. Coupled with numerous
commands, the pair were left with 70 identical pieces of paper. Thus, the
paper air force was born. When confronted with a teacher, Matt ran away,
Stevo hid behind a pillar, and Ed grabbed them all and held them in his
arms. Gosling, the fool, didn't notice. |
| The cow jumped over the idiot. Ed,
teamed with the relentless Russ, provoked a herd of cows into charging at
them. Thankfully, the cows got bored. Ed reminisces that it was "bloody
fun". Oh dear. |
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