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A David Haines
Production for HainesUK
In association
with The Mini Fund
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Welcome to the
world's greatest and probably only database of educator's jokes and quotes!
Some new quotes further down the page - they are marked.
All of these are genuine quotes from teachers of
the Judd School, Tonbridge, and Tonbridge Grammar School for Girls, Tonbridge. Any said teachers wishing to be removed from the
hall of eternal shame should inform me a.s.a.p. as I haven't technically asked
permission.
TGSG
OK, it's a tiny bit pitiful, but here are the two
quotes from this fine learning establishment, courtesy of the ravishing Miss
Laura Higgins and her associate the fabulous Miss Liz O'Nions.
 |  (Anonymous
teacher who Liz hasn't bothered to learn the name of) - (Dance) -
Left cheek on the floor now girls! (and not facial
cheek) (L O'N) |
| Mrs.
Wooley - (Graphics I am reliably informed) When I grow up I want to
be a trumpet. LH-Aren't you a graphics teacher? YES, but WHEN I grow
up. (LH) |
| Rev.
Whitwood - (RS don't ya know) I cannot
believe that we might all have to go to war soon. It's okay for me, I'm so
past the prime of my life. But you girls, you and your young laddies, might
get conscripted! And you've not even been deflowered yet...well, most of
you. Not quite sure about you, Miss. You look the sort. [registering
our shock at her questioning our pending virginities] Well...what
else were you doing all summer then? (LH) |
Judd
Thanks to Mark Coughlan (MC) on one, Gabriel Warshafsky (GW) and Ed Coughlan
(EC), both on two, Benjie Groom
(BG) on three, Tom Hobbs (TH) on seven, Pete
Edwards (PE) on eight, and J-P O'Brien (J-P) on eighteen. Cheers to all of you.
Oh, yeah, and I've got a blistering twenty-nine.
A new teacher in today ladies and gents,
courtesy of Mr. Mark Coughlan
Mrs. Mackin
|
Mrs.
(?) Mackin - (classic) Every time I open my mouth some idiot starts
talking! |
Dr Nige
|
Dr. Nigel Samson -
(drawing on experience for us) I was working on a drug for schizophrenia,
very controversial. I was in two minds about it. |
|
Dr. Nigel Samson -
(on air pollution) We don't have that problem on my home planet because we
have an aquatic environment. |
|
Dr. Nigel Samson -
(Even I knew this) The herbivores, carnivores, and whatever the other one
is... |
|
Dr. Nigel Samson -
(DH is me) DH - Why do nomads in the desert wear black? Surely they would
be very hot. NS - Because they're thick! |
|
Dr. Nigel Samson -
(Top banana) It's Year 9 when you're taught about tits. You know, blue tits! |
| Dr. Nigel Samson -
(on the board) Teeth are cool, you should know about them. (PE) |
| Dr. Nigel Samson -
(arguably correct) This class displays a very high level of low-level
disruption! (J-P) |
| Dr. Nigel Samson -
(with surprise) Oh, it said NOT detailed! (after my
esteemed colleagues had spent an hour drawing detailed pictures of teeth) |
| Dr. Nigel Samson - (Writing
notes) Cartilage is made up of a collective tissue called...anyone?...cartilage! |
| Dr. Nigel Samson - (When
the useful part of the lesson has ended) Just chill! |
| Dr. Nigel Samson -
Go on Benjie, get out. We've had enough of you. (A
joke, but said with an alarming degree of sincerity) |
| Dr. Nigel Samson -
I'm not sure, so you can spell this however you want: bouyancy/boayancy/buoyancy/buyakasha. |
| |
| Dr. Nigel Samson
- (taking a register) Tom Goode? Is he the one with arm? |
| Dr. Nigel Samson -
(copying notes onto a board) The small intestine does what??? |
| Dr. "Handsome" Samson -
(This is great) The easy way to remember my name is that it's handsome
without the 'h' or the 'e' or the 'd', with another 's' at the front and the
'm' and 'n' are swapped around. [my, that is easy!] |
| Dr. Nigel Samson -
(The sensitivity king) One thing that you should try to avoid when transfusing blood is killing the patient.
(TH) |
| Dr. Nigel Samson - (My
favourite of this whole page -PE is Pete Edwards) |
PE- Did you see the German assistant?
NS- Why, was she wearing something really erotic?
PE- No...
NS- Was it revealing? (We'll leave
the conversation here due to fits of laughter)
Captain Al
Noble: Heads can be on any of the seven spins.
Johnny Long: Spins?
Noble: Well, tosses. But tosses sounds very masturbatory after a while.
|
Captain Al
Noble - (NH is Nick) NH - should I give him the mark? AFN -
How far out was he? Actually, who was it? NH - Chatfield AFN - Give
him zero! |
|
Captain Al
Noble - (Probability, JL is Jonny Long AGAIN) AFN - Heads can be on
any of the seven spins JL - Spins? AFN - Well, tosses. But tosses
sounds very masturbatory after a while. |
| Captain Al Noble - (During
a physics lesson) Did you hear about the Irish water-skier? He gave up
looking for a sloping lake! |
| Captain Al Noble - (During
year assembly) Have you heard the one about adultery? Moses came down from the mountain and said "Good news!
I've got the commandments down to ten! Unfortunately adultery's still in
there." |
| Captain Al Noble - (During
a physics lesson on lenses in glasses) ...and when I take my glasses off [pointing
to an empty chair] I can see this chap here! |
| Captain Al Noble - (During
a physics lesson) ...and the sound waves go straight to your head...if you've got one. Ha ha. Oh, no-one heard it and you're glad you didn't.
[But obviously we did...] (TH) |
| Captain Al Noble - (During
a physics lesson) What?! You mean none of you [points
at the whole class] want to have children, you must all be
homosexuals or sterile! (J-P) |
| Captain Al Noble - (During
a physics lesson) You've done a lot. Isn't that a
make of tyre? Oh no, wait, that's Dunlop. (J-P) |
| Captain Al Noble - (During
a physics lesson) Normal contact?? Isn't that rugby practice? (J-P) |
| Captain Al Noble - (During
a physics lesson) You shouldn't wet your pants if you can't do the homework.
Except for Punter, that would just be funny. (J-P) |
| Captain Al
Noble -
(Physics, involving a background radiation counter and lead barriers) More
lead, punk! Uzi, 9mm! (What??) |
| Captain Al Noble -
(Assembly, on revision courses) These are very expensive, but some
boys in the past have found them very...expensive. |
| Captain Al
Noble -
(Physics, some energy rubbish) There are many examples of elastic energy,
like the elastic stretched in your pants...well mine anyway. (EC) |
Mr Denny
| Mr Cit Denny - (During a
German lesson) One milk bottle says to the other "I'm feeling
fresh!" The other one says "That's OK, I'm sterilised"
(very recently repeated) |
| Mr Cit Denny - (Another
German lesson) What's the difference between a bad marksmen and a
constipated owl? One shoots but can't hit, the other hoots but can't
... |
| Mr Cit Denny - (Yet Another
German lesson) A Scottish gamekeeper is roaming his land. He comes across a
girl hiding in a bush and says "Lassie, aare ya game?" she replies
"Aye". He shoots her. |
| Mr Cit Denny - (Yet Another
German lesson) Where do sick kangaroos go? A Hopsital! |
| Mr Cit Denny - (The same German lesson)
A surgeon? Isn't that a fish you get caviar from? Or is that sturgeon? |
| Mr Cit Denny - (He was on a
roll today) A President, I think it was Reagan, was told he would get tit
for tat. He promptly said "tat". |
| [These are the cleanest jokes Mr Denny has told us. There
are many more but are unrepeatable.] |
Mr JJ Griggs
| Mr James Griggs -
(During an R.S. lesson, when Andrew Kettle was absent) Someone's taken the
Kettle off! |
| Mr James Griggs -
(During an R.S. lesson) ...how do we know which Isaiah? Because one Isaiah
than the other! |
| Mr James Griggs -
(During an R.S. lesson) Did you know that a mother giraffe kicks her baby
when it stands up for the first time? It's true. [relevance??] |
| Mr James Griggs - (During a
register) (all J-P) |
| Goode - I hope that you will
be good today. |
| Towers - towering above the rest |
| Malins - we'll have to mail him away |
| Searle - feeling surly today? |
| Ward - let's hope you can ward
off
trouble.
These are hilarious, that man was on a roll! |
| Mr James Griggs -
(During an R.S. lesson) Moses parted the water of the Sea of Reeds - he
didn't pass water! (J-P) |
| Mr James Griggs - (On the
transfiguration) Jesus' clothes were whiter than
anything could ever make them on Earth" - obviously they hadn't
discovered Persil. (J-P) |
| Mr James Griggs - (Sitting
comfortably? It's long.) A doctor goes into the forest to study spiders.
After a couple of months he makes the startling discovery that a certain
breed of spider becomes deaf when its legs are cut off. He rushes back
to England, and writes countless essays on the subject. Finally he prepares
to present to the Oxford board of spidery stuff. He takes one of the rare
spiders out of the jar and says "Walk around in a circle", and the
spider walks around in a circle [this is where the
joke should have ended] then he says "do a highland fling"
and the spider does a highland fling etc. etc. Then he cuts off the spiders
legs, and says "Walk around in a circle" the spider doesn't move.
He says "do a highland fling" and the spider doesn't move etc.
etc. The doctor concludes that spiders with no legs are deaf. [Phew] |
| Mr James Griggs - (With
exclamation) Mark's Gospel is NOT erotic! |
Mr Lawson
| Mr Harry 'Humphrey' Lawson -
(During a Maths lesson) I feel inadequate when my pupils go to sleep on me.
(TH) |
| Mr Harry 'Humphrey' Lawson -
(During a Maths lesson) Here's a party trick for chatting up members of the
opposite sex, 'What's the area of a circle?' with the expected answer of
"pi r squared", you say 'Prove it!' and then you impress them with
your knowledge...Yeah right. (TH) |
Mr Maudsley
| Mr Ron Maudsley - In
some ways, a class of pupils is like a pride of lions, there's always one
who walks up to the female ones and says, ahhh I'll fu*k you! (BG) |
Mrs Chalmers
| Mrs Moira 'our friend' Chalmers -
(Latin lesson - they need laughter) Your homework should take 30
minutes...that's half an hour to you and me. (TH) |
Mrs Townend
| Mrs Laurel Townend -
(English lessons - a funny enough notion already) Imagine a sex scene. Noooo
wait a minute, you wouldn't want to be doing that. (TH) |
| Mrs Laurel Townend -
(English again) A man is riding up a hill, on his horse, with his wife. The
horse stumbles and the man says; "That's once". After several
minutes the horse stumbles gain and the man says; "That's twice".
After another period of a few minutes, the horse falls over. The man
promptly shoots it dead. His wife says in horror "Why did you do
that??". The man replies "That's once!" (BG) |
Mr Barker
| Mr Les Barker-
(History) Well of course the Ford model T was the most popular car for
casual sex as the rear suspension was the springiest. Oh yes, in
1920's America, whole streets of bouncing cars would be seen. (BG)
|
Doc Walker
| Dr Ken Walker- (Chemistry
- snore) ...you may not believe me, but it's true, believe me! [Without
realising what he just said] |
| Dr Ken Walker- (He's
not allowed to teach anything else) Moles feature a lot in Chemistry, as
well as Biology [Liverpudlian chuckle] |
| Dr Ken Walker- (Chemistry
bien sur) What's the nitrogen % in urea?
no, not your ear! (J-P) |
PJ Morris
| Mr Philip Morris - (All
from PE) |
| Sit! - every lesson |
| Good boy - quite often |
| Go Fetch! - quite rare |
| Here boy - rare |
| Off you toddle! - a short phrase |
| Bullet points aren't going to kill you! - once |
| I'll break your legs! - very very rare |
Mr Pallot
| Mr. Nick Pallot -
(English I presume) ...and we all know what comes
after the climax, don't we Hendo [James Henderson bien
sur] (GW) |
| Mr. Nick Pallot -
(Rugby) Jacko! Tell your brother from me that he's
a tosser! |
Mr Collins
| Mr. J F Collins (referring
to calculus I am informed) I think it's a good idea not to become too
emotionally attached to a particular derivative (GW) |
| Mr. J F Collins (Some
crazy maths thing... JL is Jonny Long) (J-P) |
JC - You'll get a good 50% wrong!
JL - What's the difference between a good 50% and a bad
50%?
JC - About 3% (apparently a joke)
| Mr. J F Collins
(apparently quite popular) Please don't clap, merely observe this answer
with quiet admiration. (J-P) |
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